Michael Paul Schneider

Caleb, I can’t even fathom being a husband, loving a wife who is bringing in new life and is now watching it being taken away. 

You are a brother, and a husband, and though you don’t know it yet, you are a dad, too. 

and Caleb, “you need to get better, because you need to be a dad.” Your son needs to grow up knowing his father wasn’t ready to go, and he overcame the very worst, because he knew what was to come would be the very best. 

And somehow, in a crowded bar, where everyone is yelling about a game and strikes and stats, I’m back here again…asking Jesus, I’m feeling small. 

I’m here feeling like I would go, so you could stay because you’ve got a wife and a boy who need you, and all I’ve got are things about me. 

I’m here remembering God doesn’t always work the way I want Him to. I’m here remembering all these questions knowing we have no control of when we go, just what we do while we get to stay. 

Because sometimes, we’re alive and it’s like we’ve gone already. Sometimes, we live life like we are small, but we’re not small. And I think you know that living life that way would be a waste of it, and I want to know that too. 

As I’m back here again, hearing from Jesus, somehow I’m feeling a little more than small. 

Because I am here, and at least for today…I get to stay. 

And though all of these questions may not have answers…I can control some things. I control my steps and my words and my hands to live my life for more than just me. I can live my life…tall.

And I hope you know that no matter what happens in the coming days, to everyone you know, and to me, your life was lived much more than small. You remind me that there’s purpose in this pain after all.

“Two federal law enforcement officers identified the suspect as James Holmes, 24, of Aurora, CO.”

24…I was 24 just a month ago. 24 years of experiences, moments, days of feeling alive, and nights of feeling empty.

I’ve lost touch before, my heart and mind have gone places that are so dark I know the only thing that pulled me back out of it was You. It’s 6:30 in the morning and I’m laying here scrolling, reading, and doing anything and everything to remember that You are sovereign and good, but God, I have questions. 

Because I lived in the dark before, but You pursued me…and You never left me, and You adopted me. And I can’t help but ask, why me? 

Why me, and not James? 

Why didn’t someone call him? Why didn’t anyone just ask him what he loved? Why are there so many people that had to go? Why didn’t he have a roommate pray for him, or a best friend to listen? I know You are sovereign and I know You are good but I know You pursue me…I want to know…why not James? 

Maybe, You did…and maybe he believed that every time You met that it was someone else. Maybe, he never understood how to hear You through all the noise, maybe he felt the same pain as me and just never had someone show him how to help it. 

I know I sound unfaithful again, but I guess I just don’t see the purpose. All of this pain just feels pointless. 

4:30 is a time of day most of us have little proof happens twice. I awoke certain I just felt my first earthquake in San Francisco, but as the morning came into focus I realized that my bed was still, and it was my body that causing all the motion. The peace of my momentary rest had disappeared and along with it went the numbness God gives us before the storm comes in. When someone tells you you’re just not enough, there aren’t many places to find shelter. 

But I’m pretty sure God was there all night for me. He bought cigarettes and asked Jason to come over and told Matt tonight was the perfect night to finish the Glenlevet. And yesterday, He made sure I read A Million Miles In A Thousand Years from cover to cover and He kept me from saying everything I wanted to her because it wouldn’t have made things any better. 

And I’m pretty sure He was there to help Josiah write his new song and get it to me just in time for me to hear it this morning.  

I’m pretty sure He was there to tell Dave to pray for me before Church and remind me what’s most important, and stick to it. 

And I’m even sure that He was there at the coffee shop, walking the Australian shepherd that came up to me without guidance, licked my hand and sat with me as I cried into a book. 

He must’ve been there when I was born, because He was there when I found out my biological father had been shot & killed when I was just a boy, and that my mother thought that I was too much for her. It’s not every day you can feel too much and not enough at the same time. 

I’m damn sure He was there to make sure a “Save the date” arrived in the mail this afternoon. If it was for anyone else I might’ve exploded but we’re saving 10/20/12 for Tim and Brittany. Tim had me save the date once before when we were younger, but God was there to make sure that aisle wasn’t walked yet. That hit Tim like a hurricane, but God’s going to be there in October to paint the sun even brighter and remind us to be patient and love will find us when it’s time.  

I don’t really know how you see it, but here…God looks different each time we meet. He likes whiskey and writing songs. He prays for me, He walks dogs, paints pictures and sends me postcards. It’s all to remind me that no matter how hard it gets, no matter how heavy this all may feel…He’s watching, waiting for us to get to that moment where we remember…He’s here. 

Nahum 1:7 the lord is good, a stronghold in the day of trouble