The Ladder Theory & Friends WithOUT Benefits.

Preface: There is a lot of “explaining” in this post and it’s a lot less poetic than my last… I hope you can make it through because the ending is important. Also, research on the biology of this will be posted in the Facebook comment section below soon! 

When you first approach the ladder theory, it’s easy to write it off as crass, crude, too simplistic and just downright ridiculous. The ladder theory proposes that men have one ladder. When a man meets a woman, he immediately places her somewhere on this ladder, and it’s entirely based on how much he wants to sleep with her.

Women have two ladders, the friendship ladder, that is also known as the ‘friend zone’ and another that is potential for romance. I’m using vague terms here, because the original ladder theory was definitely developed without the worldview of someone with morals. Regardless, the idea is that when a woman meets a man, within minutes or maybe even seconds, he is placed on a ladder. It’s very easy to move yourself from the relationship ladder to the friendship ladder, it’s usually exceedingly difficult to jump from friendship to relationship ladder. 

Now, I don’t want you running to google and diving into this site because honestly, it’s kind of gross. It paints an image of men AND women that’s…well, carnal. Yet, within this strange proposal, I have seen years and years of evidence supporting the idea that men and women operate attraction very differently. In the large majority of instances, for men, friends of the opposite gender are almost always still potential relationships (assuming there is no barrier event that has happened). For women, a guy could be at the very top of the friendship ladder, and still be less likely than someone who rates as a 1 on the relationship ladder. 

Whether its a guy who gets lumped into the friend zone and keeps on trying, or a girl who is sought after and dropped after the guy gets what he wants…these differences, from my observation, are the source of a huge portion of problems men have with women and vice versa.  

There’s one more dynamic that’s important to mention here- and that’s the way that guys and girls process physical. The ladder theory helps, because it brings to light what is a “natural” male desire, whether morals are in play or not. Let’s be real here- all guys in the twilight of their adolescence are, well, horny. Men hit their physical sexual peak in their early twenties, some studies even show as early as 17- where women don’t until their late 20’s. The sooner we all admit this, the sooner we get to a place where we understand how to operate under this circumstance. 

This is really relevant because there’s a huge difference in the way (most) men and women respond, or even are interested in the physical (meaning any range of activities from holding hands to sex). Women often seek emotional connection, where as men can (and some continually do) leave that off the table. 

This is the heart of the ladder theory…it’s the core of why friends with benefits DOESN’T work, and it’s also why it’s up to the guy to make sure it doesn’t happen.  If men can have a physical relationship with women and not “feel” anything, then how are women supposed to know if a guy cares about her at all? It’s also been brought to my attention for some that the inverse of this actually happens as well. 

If you’re in a no-strings-attached situation and you employ the idea “when it’s everyone’s responsibility, it’s no one’s responsibility” you can avoid defining your relationship altogether.

This is more than just a “responsibility” though…

It’s someone’s heart.

This is why I believe the guy must take the lead in the relationship and recognize and define physical boundaries within the context of the emotional connection. It’s not that women are incapable of doing so, by all means, I applaud women who are assertive and know what they want.  

You can disagree with me, tell me your friendswithbenefits relationship works, that you’re a guy and you’d never like your friend ______ and honestly, there are exceptions to what I’ve said here. Yet, the reality is, these exceptions may just be underdeveloped and it very well may change in time. 

In closing, the ladder theory isn’t gospel, but a good framework for understanding some of the ways that the opposite gender processes romantic connection. It’s not a formula in that it will solve your problems. I also wanted to be objective, apart form the places it’s relevant to have an opinion, for clarity’s sake on this very sticky topic. 

Let the conversation begin!