My original posting of this piece edited itself. It morphed into something I’m really proud of as a piece of writing and also offers an opportunity to help another family in need, but misses my original intent. My intent when I began writing this piece was to send a message of encouragement to two of my friends. So I decided that I don’t care if people like the words less, sometimes it’s more about the meaning than the delivery.
For Hope & Casey:
I wonder what it feels like to have to live in a home that only has room for today…where you spend the night inviting morning and goodbyes are always said just before the sun comes up. I know I said I wasn’t ready to go yet, but I would go if it meant you could stay.
I check the mail and look for a postcard beneath the pile of bills & letters. One of those thin & brightly-colored cards that usually falls to the ground uninvited out of a magazine asking for renewal. What I hope to find offers not subscription, but exchange, to make up for the fact that you didn’t opt-in to this.
If I knew how to, I’d take over your room in this medicine house. I’d take over the tests, I’d take the pills and shots and bad news, and I’d take nothing else for granted. I’d get used to hospital gowns, terrible meals, the fluorescent lights that keep you up on your overnight stays. I’d get used to not knowing who was in the other bed, and what it’s like to not be able to keep my breath as I walk up the stairs.
We could pull a switch, moreover, a bait and switch because what the sickness and the devil don’t know is you. Let’s play dumb and tell them the world needs me and they’d be a fool to keep me here any longer. Let’s trick them into believing you’re just an extra, that you’d stick around just to see the credits role cause they don’t know what we do.
Jesus, you can make this deal right? I can draft this proposal and in 3-5 business days we’ll meet and sign and I could hold all this weight? I know you’re in my corner, and I know it sounds like I don’t trust, but Jesus can you just do this one thing? I’ll never tell anyone, it’ll look like a miracle, and You’ll get all the praise cause I want nothing to do with that.
I know I said I wasn’t ready to go yet, and I’m not, but when that time comes…I would go if it meant you could stay.