You wake up early, shower, brush your teeth, make your bed and spend 15 minutes waiting on the 22 that you’d rather have had to sleep. You get off at 16 & Mission, transfer to the basement BART, & sit at the back of the train as it floats down to the airport. Somewhere between Balboa Park and Colma you become thankful for the sunglasses you packed because your eyes start to water as you read another update about someone who is dealing with a lot more than you.

You’ve gotten pretty good at crying in crowds, in planes, buses, cabs and stores. The train arrives and you head straight to the drinking fountain hoping to to get rid of the sour after taste of the new mouthwash you bought. You check your phone, and wait a few minutes for your eyes to settle down so the TSA doesn’t assume you’re on something. You gain a little bit of composure by scowling at the couple sharing a suitcase and laughing when the punk kid trips. You stand in line, board the plane, and open your laptop to write all this down to post in a blog that on lucky days three people will acknowledge exists.

Oh, and by you…I mean me.

Because today, I just don’t give a shit. Today, indifference is my destination. Today, I’ll take a break from taking a break from drinking, and maybe even have a smoke or ten. Today, I’m not going to feel everything, because it feels more like a burden than a blessing. Today, I’m too tired for writing, for optimism, for encouragement, for consistency. Today, I’m too tired of all it takes to be “me.”